120+ Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

A. A. Milne Funny Quotes

1. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

A. A. Milne
Cullen Hightower Funny Quotes

2. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”

Cullen Hightower
Cynthia Heimel Funny Quotes

3. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”

Cynthia Heimel
David Letterman Funny Quotes

4. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”

David Letterman
Earl Wilson Funny Quotes

5. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

Earl Wilson
Francois de La Rochefoucauld Funny Quotes

6. “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”

Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Gertrude Stein Funny Quotes

7. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”

Gertrude Stein
Ashleigh Brilliant Funny Quotes

8. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”

Ashleigh Brilliant
Bob Thaves Funny Quotes

9. “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”

Bob Thaves
Groucho Marx Funny Quotes

10. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

Groucho Marx

11. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

Charles M. Schulz

12. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”

Don Marquis

13. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”

Douglas Adams

14. “I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.”

Peter Cook

15. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

Charlie Chaplin
Peter Cook Funny Quotes

16. “I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

Fred Allen

17. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”

Jackie Mason

18. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”

Desmond Morris

19. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”

Christopher Morley

20. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”

Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Francois de La Rochefoucauld Funny Quotes

21. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”

Jay Leno

22. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”

Dave Barry

23. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?”

George Carlin

24. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

George Carlin

25. “Life is hard, it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

John Wayne
John Wayne Funny Quotes

26. “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”

Bill Vaughan

27. “The road to success is always under construction.”

Lily Tomlin

28. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

Mark Twain

29. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

Mark Twain

30. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

Milton Berle
Milton Berle Funny Quotes

31. “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”

Muhammad Ali

32. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”

Natalie Wood

33. “The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”

Nicolas Chamfort

34. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

Norman Wisdom

35. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde Funny Quotes

36. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Erma Bombeck

37. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”

Dorothy Parker

38. “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

Steve Irwin

39. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”

Walter Matthau

40. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

Will Rogers
Will Rogers Funny Quotes

41. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

Will Ferrell

42. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

Erma Bombeck

43. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

Lt. Frank Drebin

44. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”

Jimmy Kimmel

45. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres Funny Quotes

46. “I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.”

Unknown

47. “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.”

Unknown

48. “They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?”

Unknown

49. “Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.”

Unknown

50. “Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.”

Unknown
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

51. “Lazy people fact 36323923653423. You were too lazy to read that number.”

Unknown

52. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

Al McGuire

53. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

Ambrose Bierce

54. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

Andy Rooney

55. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

Ann Landers
Andy Rooney Funny Quotes

56. “I don’t believe in astrology, I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

Arthur C. Clarke

57. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”

Benny Hill

58. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Bob Hope

59. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

Bryan White

60. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”

Charles de Gaulle
Charles de Gaulle Funny Quotes

61. “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”

Chuck Palahniuk

62. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

Dalai Lama

63. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”

Daniel J. Boorstin

64. “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

Dave Barry

65. “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

Demetri Martin
Dave Barry Funny Quotes

66. “To err is human. to admit it, superhuman.”

Doug Larson

67. “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”

Douglas Adams

68. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

Ellen DeGeneres

69. “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”

E. B. White

70. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

Emo Philips
George Bernard Shaw Funny Quotes

71. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”

George Bernard Shaw

72. “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”

George Bernard Shaw

73. “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

George Burns

74. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

George Burns

75. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”

Billy Connolly
Billy Connolly Funny Quotes

76. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”

H. L. Mencken

77. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”

Harry S. Truman

78. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

Henny Youngman

79. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’”

Homer Simpson

80. “I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.”

J. Paul Getty
J. Paul Getty Funny Quotes

81. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

Jane Wagner

82. “Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.”

Jessica Simpson

83. “Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”

Jim Rohn

84. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”

Kin Hubbard

85. “A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”

Laurence J. Peter
Laurence J. Peter Funny Quotes

86. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

Oscar Wilde

87. “A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.”

Unknown

88. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

Unknown

89. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

Unknown

90. “Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.”

Rita Mae Brown
Rita Rudner Funny Quotes

91. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Rita Rudner

92. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

Abraham Lincoln

93. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

Albert Einstein

94. “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads

Andy Borowitz

95. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”

Bertrand Russell
Billy Wilder Funny Quotes

96. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”

Billy Wilder

97. “But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”

Carl Sagan

98. “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”

Clarence Darrow

99. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

Emo Philips

100. “Never have more children than you have car windows.”

Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck Funny Quotes

101. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.”

Fran Lebowitz

102. “To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”

George W. Bush

103. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

Bill Watterson

104. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

Billy Connolly

105. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx Funny Quotes

106. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”

Groucho Marx

107. “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”

Hillary Clinton

108. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

Jerry Seinfeld

109. “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.”

Jim Harrison

110. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”

Josh Billings
Josh Billings Funny Quotes

111. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”

Lana Turner

112. “I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.”

Mark Twain

113. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

Miles Kington

114. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

Milton Berle

115. “Man has his will, but woman has her way.”

Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
Prince Philip Funny Quotes

116. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

Prince Philip

117. “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”

Thomas Sowell

118. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

George Carlin

119. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”

Wanda

120. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”

Bobby Boucher
Bobby Boucher Funny Quotes

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